Okay.. so, my name is L. Hall and I live somewhere in the southern United States, and you're already asking yourself.. why am I reading this person's first page?
I haven't a clue.
More importantly, I'm not really sure if I should care.
You see, this blog is my personal accountability to myself. Typically.. I have none. I'm 38 years old, 80+ pounds overweight, really confused about what I want and where I want my life to go. For years, I've had all these voices in my head (no, i'm not schizophrenic); my parents, my husband (who was my first serious boyfriend), my friends, my doctors.. and I've never once done a single thing thing that was what my own voice told me to do. Matter of fact, I don't even know what my own voice sounds like. And my self-loathing has gotten the point that I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. One of my worst fears (my hair is seriously thinning.. I can see my scalp reflecting in the sunlight on the top now) is realizing itself, I can't seem to lose the weight no matter how hard I try and it's now compounded by the fact I slightly injured my back and had my whole left leg go numb for about 6 weeks. Now I'm getting feeling back, but I'm still left with this horrible realization that this is not who, or what, or where I wanted to be. Which leaves the question.. what the heck DO I want?
Well, a few days ago I finally admitted to myself that yes, my hair is thinning to the point that men start doing comb overs, the weight isn't going away no matter what I seem to do, and maybe I need to see a doctor about this. So, went to the doctor, started telling her my concerns (something akin to I'd rather lose my breasts instead of my hair and sobbing uncontrollably), and then she started asking me questions.. irregular menstrual cycles, abnormal hair growth elsewhere (which I really don't exhibit), abnormal levels of testosterone.. and now I find I might have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. So, now I've had an amazing amount of blood drawn from my arm and will follow up with my doctor. But, whether or not I have this, it's given me some hope.
I have never mastered anything.. I have never completed anything. I started a web comic, and let it drift away. I started a marriage and have moved myself into a small apartment and don't know where that's going to go. I started trying to lose weight, I get frustrated and quit.
So, this is my 3 month experiment. I don't have any particular goals other than to finish the full 3 months. Starting September 20th, I will:
1. Exercise every day and maintain an 1800 calorie a day diet. This includes eating healthier and less starches and carbs. More veggietables. Absolutely no soda pop.
2. Blog about it every day (no excuses). Even if it's something as mundane as
"I don't feel like writing today."
3. Draw something every day. Cartoons, celtic knotwork, birds.. doesn't matter. The goal of this is to get back to doing my web comic, which I really enjoyed and was very proud of.
4. Do something about my thinning hair. In this case, the liquid rogaine for women. See if it actually helps.
At the end of the three months.. I'll see what has managed to sieve through and if I can actually complete a goal.
These aren't big goals, but I need to do something. Right now, I'm drifting in my own head toward.. nothing. I need to find something of my voice, find something I want in my life (or at the very least, figure out what I don't want), and find a path.
So yeah.. that's all.
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